I want to quote Clementine Puddleford: "Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."

People who say "I'm not being funny, but..." are usually absolutely right.

2 for 1 cocktails is not an excuse to drink twice as much.

Don't take up dentistry, SAVE the lions.

Go out and have fun and if you are not in bed by 10pm, come home.

Don't go to your first school disco wearing your first Holy communion dress.

Chicks before Dicks

Don't eat yellow snow

The middle lane is for overtaking.

A shared love of marshmallows is not the basis for a ten year relationship.

Hand out condoms to your daughter in front of her friends.

Don't commute.

YOU are the only thing holding you back.

Save nothing except money for your old age.

Never make important decisions while pregnant.

Banana skins are slippy in actual real life, not just cartoons.

Always stand in a lift with bent legs in case the cable breaks.

Don't dance and spin like Julie Andrews on narrow paths next to a cliff.

Don't steal your best friend's boyfriend.

Don't ever believe you know what a man is thinking.

Do not shun the spotty swotty boys at school. They were the ones that got the best jobs (and spots do eventually go, or beards can be grown).

Don't set yourself on fire by continuing to use a dodgy hairdryer.

Don't wear knee-high socks with shorts, unless playing hockey.

Don't be a twat.

Drugs are fun but get boring if you do them too much.

Dance like noone is looking, work like you don't need the money and love like you have never had your heart broken.

Always keep in mind the possibility that you are full of shit.

Never get married when you're happy.

Learn to play the oboe.

Trying to fit in makes you less interesting.

You don't need someone with you to go travelling.

Don't trust a man who spends more time getting ready than you.

Don't push your granny while she's shaving.

Words of Mark Twain "you will regret the things that you didn't do more than those that you did".

There's always spanks if the diet fails.

You must kiss a few frogs to find your prince.

Don't jump off the cliff for anyone - at least not before you are 60.

Always look for the good in others.

Don't compare your appearance to others, especially not celebrities.

Dare yourself - every day.

Impatience doesn't last but words and actions cannot be taken back.

It's never ever as bad as you think.

Everyone's a bit bisexual you probably are.

Play hard to get.

Take every opportunity. Have courage.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up and don't seek to be talked about.

Don't walk and use your mobile at the same time. It's very annoying for other people.

Stop worrying about what other people think.

Beware of men in red trousers.

Bowl and mullet haircuts are unacceptable.
Never wear scuzzy underwear, you never know who might end up seeing it.

Never listen to men who say they would like to marry you - one day.

From my mother to me aged 13 "Don't expect me to push a pram."

Alcohol, you promised to make me more witty, confident and attractive to the opposite sex. I've seen the video. We need to talk.

Take care of your teeth.

Don't believe in fairy tales or princes.

Try.

Get health insurance.

Best to be a silent fool than open your mouth and let the world know for sure.

Make lists.

Make sure your bra fits.

Never play Bridge for money.

Don't throw caution to the wind.<

Try everything once - even blue eyeshadow.

Never ever wear high heels in Edinburgh.

Never be financially dependent on a man.

Never boast to your friends about how much you imagined you drank last night.

Parents are people too.

Nobody is a size 10 in Top shop.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

You will always regret giving up the piano.

Horses are very expensive.

Don't grow out of climbing trees.

Never trust a man who carries a mac on a fine day.

My Dad always said that the perfect job is a job you would do for free but you get paid to do.

Meet loads of influential people.

Don't wash whites with reds.

You don't need to be fierce to be strong.

Your digital footprint never washes away.

Never trust estate agents or lawyers.

Watch out for the banana splits in Nicaragua.

What is essential to a happy life is invisible to the eye.

Your ideas are not big enough if nobody is laughing at them

Don't lie when you get caught out especially if it was you who cut your little sister's hair off.

When his wants outweigh your needs, the marriage vows are null and void.

Never tell your mother she's out of tune.

Milton Jones: " Always use Oil of Ulay" my mother said. Then I saw a sign saying "sewage treatment works". It doesn't.

Never drop your biscuit in the bath and only eat ripe nectarines in private.

Don't allow negative people to influence you.

If he's gay and kisses you, your heart can still be broken.

Dye your hair if you want, it doesn't make you a trollop.

If it dangles it's probably dangerous.

Make sure you have running away money.

I was told that if I picked the scab on my arm, my arm would fall off. Don't lie to children.
Keep the Star Wars figures in their original packaging.

You can go wrong with an Italian.
Learn to ask for help.

Anti depressants are not evil or a sign of weakness.

Rule 1: don't sleep with actors. Rule 2: Don't sleep with actors. Rule 3 -20 ....

Norma Ephron: "always be the heroine in your life, not the victim".

Men like women fatter than women do.

Your gender is a gift not a disability; nurture and embrace it and it will reward you with more riches than you can ever imagine.

If you have no financial independence you have no control over your life.

My advice is that masturbation is fantastic. It makes you feel wonderful, often much better than a man can make you feel. Don't consider it shameful.

Don't go on a diet, go on a lifestyle. Diets don't work long term and ultimately make you feel miserable.

A quote from Diego Maradona: "My mother thinks I am the best. And I was raised to always believe what my mother tells me."

Never lend money to friends. Either delcine or give it as a gift and if they return it, count yourself lucky. It's not worth losing your friends for £50.

Teenage boys are flawed candidates to be best friends for teenage girls.

Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. have integrity and be firm and clear about what you want in life. be cautious of anyone who is trying to make you think or feel anything you know in your heart of hearts that you don't. and lastly: enjoy your body and your food!

Always have enough money with you to make a quick escape!

Hook up with a guy who has a great sense of humour. You will both have loads of fun.

Smile, honestly. Help when you are able, always try and see the other side of things. When you are a Mother, your decision is ALWAYS the right one. No-one knows your children better than you. (Hopefully!)

In a relationship share all the chores and always have at least one scheduled day a week for yourself. Never,ever, put yourself in a situation where you will be subservient to a male. It's so easy to slip into that without realising it!

Don't try to be perfect; try to be the best version of yourself and that is as much as anyone expects. With the saved energy, focus on relaxing and enjoying yourself, knowing you've earned it.

As with knitting or the trapeze, advice about life will only take you so far. There's no substitute for experience.

Find a man to make you laugh, who will love you unconditionally, look after you, be strong for you and with you (when needed)

You will look back at photos of yourself and think, "I was lovely, why did I ever worry so much?" Be as kind to yourself as your older self will be.